Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Super Penguin

Some days I honestly believe parenthood has made me a super hero. (Of course, some days I honestly believe I'm going nuts... but that's another post). I am somehow able to do things I never thought possible. I wish this journey had started more simply, I wish I were writing this post about how things changed the day Jax was born. But it started long before that... again, another post. I wrote the most depressing Top 11 of my life but decided it wasn't healthy to share that just yet... so this is a bit more upbeat.

Since I'm snitching internet we'll cut straight to the chase. Here are my Top 11 Penguin Parent Superpowers.

11. Super Cleaning Saliva.
I can use my spit to clean anything off my son's face. I wasn't going to be THAT Mom, but I literally did it the week after he was born. I was walking down a hall and caught myself licking my thumb to get some gunk off his cheek. Gross.

10. Selective Amnesia.
I cannot find the keys, but I know the number to poison control and the quickest three routes to Childrens' Healthcare of Atlanta...

9. Incredible Strength.
An entire baby is no match for me and my baby carrier day or night, crying or cheerful, I can haul that little chunker pretty much anywhere. I may not always be able to. But I hope I'll always at least try to hold him when he needs is.

8. Radioactive Resistance.
I can clean puke, snot, or poop from any surface without gagging... and considering I couldn't do ANYTHING without puking, at least a little, just this time last year, that's pretty impressive.

7. Lyrical Genius.
I can rewrite lyrics to any given song so as to create an endless sleep inducing haze. I'm not promising they're brilliant, I'm just saying I'll run out of voice long before I run out of stupid made up verses.

6. Insane Insomnia.
I can *technically* function for weeks on end with less than five hours of sleep and less than two hours in any given stretch. I wouldn't recommend it. But I've done it.

5. Costume Diva.
Whipping up tiny size outfits and accessories is awesome. It takes way less fabric than stuff for grown ups, but the sleeves and hems are HUGE compared to the Barbies I used to dress.

4. Stroller Aficionado.
I know, you're thinking this one can't be true since I don't own one. I think that's part of the draw. People seriously spend thousands... yes thousands of dollars on these. I got so interested that I've done too much reading. We'll be at the mall and lean over to my husband "That's Japanese and cost somewhere between $700-$900... it's titanium!" Then I'll giggle and feel Jax snuggle up. Maybe I just need to do a test drive?

3. Spidey Senses.
Intuition is the most bizarre thing that's ever happened to me. I was trying so hard to find it, that sometimes, when it smacks me up side the head, it scares the goodness outta me. Seriously, how do I "just know" that my son needs to pee? Is it possible that I can just "sense" that my son's about to wake up and nurse even though he just did twenty minutes ago? I wouldn't believe it if it weren't happening to me.

2. Egotistical Editing.
I grew up in a family where bedtime reading... well, reading in general, were practically sacred. I can still hear the voice of my three year old sister indignantly hollering "Wead it Wight!" as she skimmed the words on the page ahead as my Mom tried to edit the story. I already catch myself making amusing commentary as if it were written. Trust me, the next time you reread the same board books a dozen times, see if some great twists don't pop into your mind!

1. Conned.
I am totally and willingly conned every day. I can be frustrated and elbow deep in vomit, but when that little fella smiles at me? I'm done. Sold. Hooked. I wish I could spare him the nasal aspirators, the upset tummies, and the bruised ego, but I'll settle for getting to be there for him whenever I can.

What are your super-powers? Written any great lyrics or edited some endings? Got a super power you wish you used more wisely?

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