Saturday, November 27, 2010

Creepy Christmas Carols

I'm not a big fan of Christmas... I know, I know, Bah Humbug! Anyhows, the part I do like is family and tradition. In that vein, I was helping decorate the tree at my mom's house today with my sister. We put on some "holiday" music, and soon we were giggling gleefully at the horrible irony of so many of the lyrics. In honor of the weirdness that is Christmas music, here are my Top 11 Creepy Christmas Carols.

11. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Pretty self explanatory, I mean, seriously? A song about family whose drunken matriarch is trampled by a beloved myth... yep, automatically included.

10. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
OK, here's my issue. I know we're going for cute, but this is either Daddy dressing up knowing he'll be seen by the child, in which case the make-out break is a little creepy; or, the dress up is solely for the benefit of Mommy, in which case, that's a little weird kinky if you ask me. Or, I suppose, it's a song about how the beloved jolly fellow is in fact an adulterous fiend and Mommy is a hussy. Creepy.

9. I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
My theory here is that this a song about an awesome heist. I mean, it smacks of Ocean 26 type planning. Christmas day... the only day when the guards are on lower alert... yeah, it's not a Christmas song, it's a song about thievery. Maybe more amusing than creepy, but amusing none the less.

8. Twelve Days of Christmas
It may have been said before, but this is just a bizarre dance of materialistic insanity. (No, it's not a memory aid.) It's just a creepy idea of what someone wants for Christmas, or at least, what they got from their insane "true love." I think this is one creepy display of capitalistic affection.

7. Some Children See Him Lily White
The song is pretty much randomly racist. I guess it's supposed to be how we all see God in a different way, but I can't help but think it's just a way of legitimising misconceptions and stereotypes. I'm just sayin' I'm pretty sure he was an Arabic looking Jewish fellow. Just sayin'.

6. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
This choice amuses me based solely on the ability of the lyrics to effectively summarize many creepy holiday themes: dangerous pyromaniac tendencies romanticized, scary mythological entities harassing innocent victims, simplistic ethnocentrism, and the theme that everyone should know and approve of these ideas. Ahhh creepy.

5. Little Drummer Boy
The whole thing is just an unsupervised child apparently busking for a living, not sure why he's headed to visit the baby, but it seems no one is interested in caring for him. Sure, it's a nice sentiment that he wants to bring the gift of music, but is anyone gonna help out the young street musician? No. No they're not.

4. Mary Did You Know
Let me just cut to the chase. Yes, she did. I'm pretty sure we're clear on the whole angelic messenger explaining it. Plus, having recently been a new mother, the last thing I'd like is generations of folks harassing me to see if I'd done my home work on parenting. It's not like there's any pressure for her, raising God incarnate. Oh, and you think God was going to pick someone who didn't get it? Really?

3. Frosty the Snowman
Mythical anthropomorphic characters are the hallmark of creepy holiday songs. I think this fellow embodies the whole idea to a tee. Sure, sounds nice to have an enchanted friend, but the next time a giant snow demon bangs on your door after chasing your children around, let me know how lovely you find the sentiment.

2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Stalker. Voyeur. Sees you when you're sleeping. Knows when you're awake... Suppression of feelings: Better not pout, better not cry... really? This is supposed to be a happy song? It just scares the goodness outta me.

1. Baby It's Cold Outside
This was the most disturbing song of the afternoon. It pretty much reeks of a very uncomfortable intimate power/control situation. The lady says repeatedly she'd like to leave. She says "no" more than once. He tries to give her more alcohol and take away her coat. He uses verbal coercion to let her know that her reputation is already ruined. Seriously creepy.

Sorry if I've ruined a little part of your holidays. Got another creepy hit that amuses you? Let me know in the comments.


  1. I'm so glad you included "Baby it's Cold Outside!" I'm pretty sure that dude slips her a roofie, too ("Hey, what's in this drink?").

  2. I love you! This is hilarious. We all LOLed. It's going on my FB wall.

  3. Only song worse than Baby It's Cold Outside is Every Breath You Take from The Police, both of these the one two punch of stalker voyeur creepy love songs.

  4. Dude! You are a rock star!!!! I seriously laughed my butt off reading this! Nicely done, Christine... Nicely done. :-)

  5. Ha ha ha, Christine, I recently wrote a blog on this exact same topic, but yours is so much funnier. I love it! (If you want to see mine it's at Merry Christmas!

  6. #1 on your list is a prime example of how lyrics are successful only because they're set to music. Absorbed as simple poetry, and we'd all be horrified. It's the jazzy, cozy score that lets us believe "Baby It's Cold Outside" is romantic and sweet, rather than demented and rapacious.

  7. Oh this makes me so sad! I love The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) and Baby it's Cold Outside... And I still like The Christmas Song, but reading about your perspective of Baby it's Cold Outside now makes it seem VERY different... *shivers*
    I always just thought it was a funny Frank Sinatra "romance spoof" sort of thing... Not actually romantic, but made sound that way...