Dating Again? or Playing Nice

Earlier this week I wrote a post about how I found my Mommy Tribe and how important it was for me to have one. I thought I'd write a follow-up post about what it's been like to build and maintain those relationships. First off, lets just say that these relationships are just like all other human relationships. They aren't perfect, but if you put in the effort you'll generally be rewarded.

There are four basic social interactions I typically have with my Mommy Tribe; Formal Groups, Informal Groups, One on One, and Online. Each has their benefits and limitations, and each has been an important component for me.

Formal Groups are things like La Leche League and Diaper Free Babies meetings or a local library story time. Typically you can find them online, or advertised where they take place. You can expect to meet folks with the obvious common interest, and, that often means children of a close age. Expect someone to act as a leader and there to be formal time followed by more casual interactions. If you're cruising for other, like-minded parents, this is a great way to meet and, you already have something in common. A great next step is to exchange e-mails or at least full names to hook up online, often on social networking sites.

Often times you'll transition from the formal group to an Informal Group. This would be the group headed out for coffee after the meeting, or the play date at the playground Tuesday morning. This is where the temptation is often to lapse into high school mode. Suddenly there's the question of who is invited and who isn't. There's the awkwardness of trying to initiate conversation with a group you've just discovered. Here's my tip. Be friendly. Say "hi" and if you're the one inviting, be obvious about inviting everyone within ear shot. (If, for example, you're just trying to set up a private play date at your house, a more discreet e-mail or online invite may be the way to go.)

If you'd like to kick it up a notch to the One on One parent dating, it's best to get to know someone in the above situations first. Sure, everyone loves a "Bestie" but it is more awkward to put some hard work into a relationship and realize you just don't "click." I'm a huge extrovert so I don't think twice about approaching just about anyone, particularly in obvious parent centric settings like story time or the park. My fear is becoming the Mom in this video.



The video purports to by why the author doesn't have any "Mom Friends." I disagree with that basic premise. Not all Mom's are in a super competition or are trying to constantly convert you. Hopefully, it makes you laugh a little and not take yourself so seriously. Sure, I'm crispy, if not all the way "crunchy" but there's a fine line between sharing what you know when someone asks and lecturing someone on how you think things SHOULD be. (That's what blogs like this are for right?) The above video is about the quickest way to become what I like to call THAT Mom. The kind everyone politely acknowledges at the formal meeting, but who is mysteriously missing from most online and informal group interactions. (I realize this could also be a dude, I've tried to be fairly gender neutral, so, in the spirit of fairness, it's wise to also not be THAT dude or THAT Grandparent, or THAT Dad, or THAT anyone).

While I'm on the topic of scaring the other parents away, here's my suggestion of topics to avoid on first dates, and when you're just getting to know a new parent. The same way bringing up your exes or delving into highly political or religious topics right off the bat are generally a bad idea when on a romantic date, there are hot button topics I wouldn't jump into right away. Some of them I didn't even know existed before I was a Mom.

1. Cloth vs. Disposables (Unless they ask, you're not going to convert them right there).
2. Vaccinations (You would not believe how upset folks on both sides of this get and, again, unless you've got some in your bag that you're planning to sell and use right there, probably not important RIGHT THIS SECOND).
3. Discipline (Sure, you should prevent someone from beating a child, but this is often a deeply complicated issue that's tied to a value system not easily changed.)
4. Food Allergies, Starting Solids, Organics, etc. (You never know where this will go, folks will swear you're nuts, or poisoning your children, or your annoyance with peanut restrictions will be directed at the poor Dad who's been to ER six times in the last year).
5. Formula/Breast Feeding/Supplementing (See my last post, this is a hot mess topic).
6. TV/Early Education (This again tends to be a value based judgement call. You might be neglecting and stunting your child by not showing them the all important Mac Your Bebe smArt DVD, or your giving your child ADHD by letting them know screens exist, or, well, you get the idea).
7. Pacifiers/Thumb Sucking (Seriously, this is one of the most judgemental topics I've ever heard that I would have never believed).
8. Car Seats (Brands, which way to face and when, who inspects them and how often).
9. Family Planning (I have no idea why this is so common a topic, but, again, it's personal and often tied to values and religious beliefs. Plus, do we really want to talk about sex using silly euphemisms in front of our children? Really?).
10. The Evils of Anything (plastic, clothing, dinosaurs, salt...)

Sure, these are all important to raising your child, and you'll probably want to find like-minded folks who share your values, but these are often also issues about which people, and parents in particular, feel very strongly. So, when first meeting and getting to know folks, stick to the stuff at hand, and try to keep it positive. No one likes to be around a Debbie Downer... unless she's REALLY funny.

Finally, there's the world of online interaction. My big tip is to remember that not everyone cares about everything you do... unless you're me. Just kidding. Seriously though, while it's fine to share and post and comment to your heart's content, don't be offended or sad if someone didn't see everything you did, or isn't up to date on your blog, or didn't give you feedback on the new sweater Jr. was wearing. We're talking about crazy busy parents who often use the online world as a vent and escape hatch. Just like the rest of life, be the pal you'd want to have. Do comment on their posts or give the virtual ((hugs)), but don't get all crazy stalker. (See THAT Mom above).

So, summing it all up: it's totally way too much like dating, but in a bizarre high school like world. There will be people you like, and people you don't. That's ok, but try to be nice, or at least tolerant, to everyone. Be prepared to say sorry when you hurt someone's feelings, and be ready to stand up for what you believe in. You're likely to get some great friends and have a lot of fun along the way.

P.S. Since Jax is still a bit young to play much yet at play dates, I'll post again when he's more involved in the active process.

Discovering the Tribe of the Penguina

I was lucky to meet my husband in college. We were in a self-contained environment that made becoming friends, and dating, simple. Life after college is not so easy. Even after getting married, you find yourself trying to find friends. You have friends who are still unmarried and/or in and out of relationships but you also want friends who are going through the same things in life that you are. You start doing what I like to call "couples dating." You know, where you and your significant other spend time with other folks who are also paired up. You don't ditch your old friends, you just add new groups. Sometimes friends transition into the couples group, or, sadly, back out, but it is helpful to have a mirror to reflect who you are as an individual and as a couple. I'm sure these norms will be true of my parenting relationships as well.


I was rather shocked to find myself going through all this yet AGAIN when I had a baby. I was bound and determined not to be one of THOSE couples that disappeared with the baby only to surface again at a random PTA meeting when their child was in third grade. I didn't want to stop being friends or spending time with them just because our lives had gone through a dramatic shift. Nor should I have to. But, just like couples dating, it turned out I needed something different. I didn't want to scare some uninterested young woman by telling her how awesome my placenta looked and how I was giving it to a search and rescue program 'cuz human organs are hard to come by. I needed people I could ask if it was normal that I felt really conflicted about my breasts being both sexual and udders. While I trusted my friends (both single and coupled) to be there for me, I realized it was ok to seek something beyond what I currently had. I wasn't sure what it was or that I even really needed it, but I was at least sort of aware that I wanted an additional form of support.

There are plenty of ways to go about finding supportive people in your life. When trying to conceive I need online support, people who were there when I wanted and needed them, but who didn't "really" have to exist for me. I could celebrate the joy of their positive pregnancy test without having to endure a baby shower or see them every day. I found that with Jax I needed to get out of the house and into a very real place. I needed to see and talk to actual physical people and have a reason to comb my hair, even if I wasn't going to manage a shower. My son wasn't old enough to see beyond my arms, but I needed a play date. A chance to sit with someone and just shoot the breeze about all this bizarre baby stuff in my life. I really needed a Mommy Tribe.

For me, it happened at my first La Leche League meeting. Yeah, I learned about breastfeeding, and it was really neat and great and all that… but it was the few minutes after the meeting when these ladies really got to talking that I knew. I mean, what sort of crazy people consider Sci-Fi inspired names for their children? Or homeschool AND go to Dragon*Con? My people. I knew it when a woman I had just met looked across the table at me when I cracked some Über nerd pun and said "You've found your tribe!" It was true. I got in my car and I wept. It is a bizarre and spiritual thing to find something you didn't know you needed so profoundly. (Before you get too excited, I'd also like to note that I was about three weeks post partum, insanely hormonal, and had just found a parking ticket on the windshield of my car).

Finding my Mommy Tribe was a transformative experience. Here they were, like minded people who are raising their children with the same basic core values I hold dear. In my case, they happen to be pretty much exclusively women… which is not really surprising considering I met most of them through a La Leche League meeting. They are not, however, the homogenous group one might expect. Often, when I describe a basic group of breastfeeding cloth diapering mama's people picture either a group of crazy hippies or ultra conservative nuts. I would say my Mommy Tribe has both and they are really the more awesome for it. That's what I need. My husband told me it sounded like my Mommy Tribe was the start to a really great joke: "A Pagan, a Catholic, a Mormon, and a Seventh-Day Adventist walk into a room…" and the diversity goes way beyond that to matters of intimacy and lifestyle choice. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to surround myself with people who are like me in the ways that are important to nurturing who I want to become, but different enough to stimulate my thoughts, to make me stand up for what I believe, to be accepting and tolerant, to see the world through another prism. I want my son to grow up around people who encourage him to be his best, to know why he believes what he believes, and who love him for who he is no matter what. That's what I've found in my Mommy Tribe.


I've got an upcoming post about dealing with the Mommy Tribe relationship, because, like any relationship, it definitely has its ups and downs. I'm also looking for suggestions for posts as this month I'm going for a post a day in honor of NaNoWriMo just type already style efficiencies.