Projectile Pukies

Warning: This is a first time parent discussion of a sick baby. It's gross. Really gross. You probably don't want to read it. (Unless you've ever had to, or will have to, care for an ill infant...)


Last week Jax turned 1, and got his first stomach flu. If you are wondering how much fun it is to have a baby who channels exorcist style up-chuck*, the answer is: none... unless you're the spouse watching the other lucky parent be baptized in vomit.

There is something so sad and so absurdly funny about trying to plan your life around a baby who has been reduced solely to a random cookie tosser. How long can you hold him? What can you afford risking to wear? How many towels should you stack under him at night? Is double folding said towels really creating twice the amount of bile absorption, or should you discard both layers with each attempted stomach evacuation?


It is just so sad when your sweet baby suddenly smells more like he's been worshiping the porcelain god at some frat house rather than smelling like a parcel of angelic goodness soaked in unicorn tears of blissful joy while swaddled in the virgin linens of the fairies of light. I mean, how can a child who has had his diet completely reduced to a few minutes of nursing at a time ingest enough to produce a bathtub's worth of toxic waste?

Did I mention poo? I should bring that up. See, if your baby's "tummy" doesn't feel good, and there is barfing, it often means the sh*t is about to hit the fan. (And, because of the projectile nature of these issues, it just might). I mean, if you think your baby is impressive when he Ralph's across the room, just wait 'till you see what the other end can handle. I admit that since we EC with Jax, I get to *literally* see and feel the wrath of the intestinal track with more visual acuity than most, but I'm pretty sure no one could miss the Dante's Inferno of smells that would accompany even the most contained of said fecal explosions. I think it is entirely possible that my son has expelled the entire range of possible combination of road kill entrails decomposition gases whilst maintaining his vegetarian status.

In case our first fight with force migration of stomach contents wasn't exciting enough, the whole thing seemingly stopped for eight hours only to return with an obscene vengeance. You start to relax, you do things like start to get ready for bed in your room again, cuddling the child you only recently reclaimed from possession by the spirit of the Chunk Blower... only to have him channel said spirit all over your fresh clean nightgown, his pajamas, your sheets, your pillows, and, your sanity. No, dear reader, he did not just "lose his lunch," he eradicated in a way that makes the idea of Taco Le Bell's "fourthmeal" seem like a reasonable nutritional option.

Add to this the amazing feat of producing gallons of frothy green turdlets, and the hilarity of AGAIN mistakenly thinking your son is cured, letting him snitch a minuscule tidbit of black fondant from his penguin-themed cake (in case you were wondering, one micro gram of "black" food coloring can produce an entire night's worth of blue and aqua excitement), and you have a techni-color nightmare meant for the historic annals of parenting.

Apparently, you also have a Top 11 blog post for regurgitation. WIN!

* Top 11 Puke Terms used:
Up-chuck
Vomit
Cookie tossing
Bile
Stomach evacuation
Worshiping the porcelain god
Ralphing
Forced migration of stomach contents
Blow chunks
Lose your lunch

Top 11 Rockin' Names for a Horse

For Christmas, Aunt Sweet Sweet and Uncle Mean Mean gave Jax a lovely wooden rocking horse. He's a little small to really use it on his own, and it got left at Granny's because it wouldn't fit in the car, but we've been working on a fitting name for this awesome heirloom. "Horsie" was arleady taken by a tacky car toy, so, here's our current Top 11 Rockin' Names for a Horse.


11. Dust Devil - much much smaller than Zorro's Tornado.

10. Concorde - the name of the page who walks along banging coconuts to "sound like a horse" in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail

9. Foggy - NOT of Chincoteague

8. Shadowemail - way more modern than Shadowfax.

7. Wood Ugly - doesn't quite have the same impact as Black Beauty...

6. Hippocampus - this is the name of a sea horse that pulled Poseidon's chariot... plus it sounds like a different animal... plus it's part of your brain!

5. Giggle-Maker - a nod to Pecos Bill's Widow-Maker

4. Whacka - it's funnier than Flicka

3. Good-Horse - the opposite of the "thoroughbred of sin" from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

2. Tin - you know, for when you can't afford Silver? (The middle name of The Lone Ranger's Horse with the last name, Away)

1. Hi Ho - The first name of The Lone Ranger's horse. (this one is, secretly, my current favorite)

Of course, if you're actually looking for horse names, there are whole sites to help you out:

FunHorseNames.com
Names from Cowboy Movies
Pictures of Movie Horses
Fictional Horses

It goes on and on... just Google it.

So, got a suggestion? A favorite? I'll post back when we finally commit!

What I Learned During NaBloPoMo

So this post wraps up my one a day posting marathon. I survived. I wrote, mostly crumby, some funny, even some really good stuff, but I wrote. Here's what I learned.

11. I can sum up pretty much everything in a Top 11 List.

10. Not a single person batted an eye lash at my choice of 11.

9. Real people comment if you make it easy enough, but so do Chinese porn spammers.

8. I may have 900+ friends, but only about 10 are gonna read my posts.

7. I feel better when I crank out something, even if it's just short thoughts.

6. Reading old blog posts isn't as cool or arty as reading old poetry, but it still makes me smile.

5. The habit has been started, I might not do every day, but I'm gonna at least try to keep a couple posts a week.

4. I wanna read other people's blogs, but it's so hard to keep up.

3. Statistics are totally addictive. I spend more time analyzing my blog than writing it.

2. No real promotion still gets readers. It's nice to know I have a core of people who care what I think.

1. People LIKE deep stuff, but SHARE funny stuff.

What was your favorite post? What do you think should be my next topic?

Dreaded Decorating Doofiness

I am a big fan of expressing individuality, I mean, I haven't worn matching socks in well over a decade, I have shaved my head squeeky clean bald, and I rocked Flamboyant Fridays in college... however, my dislike of Christmas has lead to a tertiary concern with bizarre decorating trends and themes. Don't take offense, don't take it personally, I'm glad folks groove to the season, but still, some of these seem, well, Doofy. (And, no, I'm not getting an Amazon kick-back, but I'm linking in case you're feeling cheeky and decide to purchase something).

Top 11 Doofy Decorations

11. Big Blow-Ups
This is my husband's pet peeve. They are loud and generally tacky. My least favorite would be the 6 foot snow globe with actual carasol inside. If you're going to that much work to decorate, can we seriously think of some better outlet? Only $329.99. (Side note: I'll be installing my mom's tomorrow. It's giant penguins with doctor accessories. It's super duper tacky... and I love it.)

10. Bottoms of Tree Toppers
I cannot possibly be the first person to feel weird about cramming pine needles up the dress of an angel. Is no one else confused by the symbolism of sticking the pointy tops of trees up the bums of a variety of toppers? I'm sure someone in the marketing division of stars should get on that. It's probably more creepy than doofy, but today, we're doing doofy.

9. OrnaMENTAL
I think it's nice when decorations and ornaments can reflect your personality. Here's a tip: TV is not your personality. Seriously, this is marketing on a whole new level. Not pictures of your kids, or even pictures of yourself singing, or, for Pete's sake, pictures of you watching the show. Just three judges watching someone else. To recap, that's a memory of you watching TV of people watching someone else. Doofy. (If you should choose, you can purchase the above ornament for $13.50 from Amazon.)

8. Icicle Lights
If you plug it in and it lights up? Not ice. Not even close. Sure, they are pretty and twinkley and give you more shimmer per square foot, but icicles they are not. 'Nuf said.


7. Faux Popcorn
Seriously? Fake strands of popcorn? If I hadn't helped a preschool teacher return sewing machine needles prior to attempting to thread garlands of the salty stuff, I'd find this UNBELIEVABLE. I guess it doesn't go bad? Why?! 9 feet of fake buttery goodness can be yours for $6.99.

6. Random Acts of Weirdness
Again, individuality is awesome, but I'm often confused by this. What does that giant wooden Barney have to do with the holidays. How about the giant elephant? If you're looking for more examples, I'd suggest UglyChristmasLights.com for further amusement.
5. Anachronistic Nativities
Maybe it's my love of open ended play being crushed by single use bizzaro-ness. Maybe it's the whole cave vs. stable argument. Maybe it's the part that angels don't sing... Let your kids play with whatever you choose, but if you're going to decorate? Maybe this is not the least doofy choice. (Having had personal experience with this set, the sounds when the batteries wear down are well worth the $44.99).

4. Highlighting Horribleness
If your home has a less than perfect feature... or a REALLY bad code-violating type issue. Trimming in lights is a poor choice. I can't think why folks would do this. Check it out this year whilest driving around. You will be amazed by the lovely hanging gutters, rotting porch railings, and other architectural sadness which is now enhanced by having small electrical devices stapled
to them.


3. Inappropriate Santas
Believe me, you can find the creepy old elf doing just about anything. I guess it's amusing, but why would you decorate to celebrate a holiday with this? Why? If you know, well, for $6.95 it can be yours.

2. Multicultural Atrocities.
Let me start this rant by pointing out that my family is fond of appropriating a wide variety of holidays. I'm all for sharing in a lovely tradition, I just feel like the forced overt PC-ness is a bit much. Celebrate your holidays, make them personal, but don't feel like you have to mention and mix them all lest you offend someone. Seriously, the Kwanzaa dreidel feels a little forced guys, especially if it's not pictured next to my Festivus Pole.

1. Terrible Trees
Can someone tell me why this product exists? It's a Whimsical Yellow Laser Artificial Christmas Tree... ARTIFICIAL?!? You mean it's not a REAL whimsical yellow Christmas tree? You can get similar ones in a variety of flavors/colors/painful horribly doofy styles. If you'd like this one, it can be yours for $8.05, that's right, this 30" beauty is on sale!

Got a favorite pet-peeve decoration? Know a place for specialty doofy products? Wanna share YOUR horror stories? That's why blogs have comments!

Creepy Christmas Carols

I'm not a big fan of Christmas... I know, I know, Bah Humbug! Anyhows, the part I do like is family and tradition. In that vein, I was helping decorate the tree at my mom's house today with my sister. We put on some "holiday" music, and soon we were giggling gleefully at the horrible irony of so many of the lyrics. In honor of the weirdness that is Christmas music, here are my Top 11 Creepy Christmas Carols.

11. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Pretty self explanatory, I mean, seriously? A song about family whose drunken matriarch is trampled by a beloved myth... yep, automatically included.

10. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
OK, here's my issue. I know we're going for cute, but this is either Daddy dressing up knowing he'll be seen by the child, in which case the make-out break is a little creepy; or, the dress up is solely for the benefit of Mommy, in which case, that's a little weird kinky if you ask me. Or, I suppose, it's a song about how the beloved jolly fellow is in fact an adulterous fiend and Mommy is a hussy. Creepy.

9. I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
My theory here is that this a song about an awesome heist. I mean, it smacks of Ocean 26 type planning. Christmas day... the only day when the guards are on lower alert... yeah, it's not a Christmas song, it's a song about thievery. Maybe more amusing than creepy, but amusing none the less.

8. Twelve Days of Christmas
It may have been said before, but this is just a bizarre dance of materialistic insanity. (No, it's not a memory aid.) It's just a creepy idea of what someone wants for Christmas, or at least, what they got from their insane "true love." I think this is one creepy display of capitalistic affection.

7. Some Children See Him Lily White
The song is pretty much randomly racist. I guess it's supposed to be how we all see God in a different way, but I can't help but think it's just a way of legitimising misconceptions and stereotypes. I'm just sayin' I'm pretty sure he was an Arabic looking Jewish fellow. Just sayin'.

6. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
This choice amuses me based solely on the ability of the lyrics to effectively summarize many creepy holiday themes: dangerous pyromaniac tendencies romanticized, scary mythological entities harassing innocent victims, simplistic ethnocentrism, and the theme that everyone should know and approve of these ideas. Ahhh creepy.

5. Little Drummer Boy
The whole thing is just an unsupervised child apparently busking for a living, not sure why he's headed to visit the baby, but it seems no one is interested in caring for him. Sure, it's a nice sentiment that he wants to bring the gift of music, but is anyone gonna help out the young street musician? No. No they're not.

4. Mary Did You Know
Let me just cut to the chase. Yes, she did. I'm pretty sure we're clear on the whole angelic messenger explaining it. Plus, having recently been a new mother, the last thing I'd like is generations of folks harassing me to see if I'd done my home work on parenting. It's not like there's any pressure for her, raising God incarnate. Oh, and you think God was going to pick someone who didn't get it? Really?

3. Frosty the Snowman
Mythical anthropomorphic characters are the hallmark of creepy holiday songs. I think this fellow embodies the whole idea to a tee. Sure, sounds nice to have an enchanted friend, but the next time a giant snow demon bangs on your door after chasing your children around, let me know how lovely you find the sentiment.

2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Stalker. Voyeur. Sees you when you're sleeping. Knows when you're awake... Suppression of feelings: Better not pout, better not cry... really? This is supposed to be a happy song? It just scares the goodness outta me.

1. Baby It's Cold Outside
This was the most disturbing song of the afternoon. It pretty much reeks of a very uncomfortable intimate power/control situation. The lady says repeatedly she'd like to leave. She says "no" more than once. He tries to give her more alcohol and take away her coat. He uses verbal coercion to let her know that her reputation is already ruined. Seriously creepy.

Sorry if I've ruined a little part of your holidays. Got another creepy hit that amuses you? Let me know in the comments.

Deep Thoughts of a Shallow Swimmer

I have long claimed that the best compliment I was ever given was this "Most people just think really shallow thoughts about deep things, but you think really deep thoughts about shallow things." I hope that, to some extent, this is still true about me. I hope that as the days go by, I don't just passingly contemplate the meaning of life, I would hope that, instead, I really dig into the here and now; that I treasure the little things. With that thought in mind, here are my Top 11 Little Things.

11. Tags. My son loves how they look and feel. Given almost any toy with a printed tag attached, he will feel it and stare at it. I'd like to think he's having a very positive interaction with print and that it is good for all those pre-literacy skills. If nothing else, he loves they way they all feel a little different.

10. Teeth on Cloth. Although I could write an entire post about my son's recent vampiric ways, his fascination with biting cloth has really intrigued me. He has figured out that biting the skin under the cloth is bad, but I've let him play with just grasping the top layer of fabric with his teeth. He's really good at this. I can't think of a time when this will be a really important skill for a tiny vegetarian, but it's interesting to to watch.

9. Fractals in Velcro. With my son in cloth diapers, I spend a lot of time staring at velcro tabs. I have recently noticed that they attract strings and dog hairs and what not in almost perfect fractal shapes. I have had some interesting flash backs to working for the math teacher in high school... I've always been interested in patterns, and this is an odd place to discover one.

8. Wrinkles and Freckles. Jax loves staring at my face, and more recently his face. We've spent quite a bit of time looking at ourselves in the mirror. I have always hoped I would have happy wrinkles around my eyes and have been delighted to see a sort of permanent smile emerging there. Even more intriguing is the way these wrinkles start to hide some of my freckles. It's like a new set emerging as others are hidden; getting to discover a new skin pattern all over again.

7. Gurgling. I have never been able to make the cool wookie sound like my husband. Jax makes it often when babbling. I have had an interesting time exploring my glottal and vocal control in imitating his visualization. As with learning Portuguese, I'm intrigued by the sounds I simply cannot seem to make with the accuracy I desire.

6. Puree. Mashed up foods have been sliding down my gullet for decades, typically thanks to my amazing teeth. Pre-mashing food with intent to serve is a more recent amusement. The variety of texture in "baby" food and pureed foods is really amazing. You'd think by the time you blended something to a liquid form, that the consistency would be, well, more consistent. The difference between a squash, a sweet potato, a banana, and a pear are really something to behold.

5. Hair Color. I'd never really had dark hair before this September. I've been pretty much a dozen shades from blond through red, but but dark brown was something new, and mostly, for the Miss Klingon Empire beauty pageant (which I'm sad to say has since turned into a Star Trek Universe pageant and hence gets judged on things like... well... beauty). At any rate, I am amazed that no matter what color my locks are dyed, folks seem to be fairly equally split on whether or not they like them that shade. I, for one, don't really care. I tend to like red best, but, given the culture freedom to do so, would go back to being clean bald.

4. Nails. I like having nails longer than my finger tips so I can make my favorite sound. I discovered while taking piano lessons in eighth grade that my teacher had fingernails which made the slightest click as she played each note. I adore this sound. Just the light tap of a fingernail on the ivory before the note sounds. Lovely.

3. Asphalt. While on the topic of odd favorites, my favorite smell by far is asphalt when it first starts raining. I'm sure this is some sort of noxious chemical fume that is causing cancer in lab rats by me merely mentioning it. It is just such a friendly smell, reminding me of a barefoot childhood, running up the road towards the house to escape the summer soaking and, instead, splashing about in a frenzy of muddy puddles and slick cool grass between our toes. For now at least, just the smell in a parking lot will do.

2. Jumping. I love to jump. Trampolines are especially fun, but really, I just like hopping and skipping. (I admit to enjoying these much more when I'm in better shape and not encumbered by certain parts of my anatomy which serve to nourish my son's tummy and my husband's eyes). I love the moment of weightlessness before tumbling to earth. I adore the rules of physics that mean I tug equally hard on the earth to join me as it does to bring me back down... but it wins because despite my current obese state, the mass of the earth is still greater. Most of all, I love how it brings out the wiggling giggling inner child in me.

1. Sharing. I like to share my words and thoughts. I don't really need everyone to read them, or anyone to really care about them, but I love the idea of the nebulous "someone" being a part of my innermost dialog. I get little chills that the power of the internet means someone somewhere might be sharing my world. I love the power of being literate meaning I can share in their world when they comment. I like that it makes a window from my world, no matter how dark, to peak and and see the rainbow when it comes.

Party Like It's Your *1st* Birthday

Since my son was born last January, I've attended about a half dozen various birthday celebrations for young children. I have really enjoyed them all, and been honored to get to attend. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do for my son's first birthday. I'm excited because, being his first, he won't really remember it or even care at this point, so it's really a "We've survived a year with this baby!" party for my husband and me. On the other hand, there are a lot of societal and cultural expectations. This has lead to the quiet voices in my head, you know, the ones who get over time for worrying about the ratio of wild blackberry prickers to kudzu in my back yard, to thinking.*

Disclaimer: No, I'm not totally freaking out about this... no, I'm not really worried what "people" will think... no, it's not that big a deal... yes, it was a fun thing to consider enough to make into a blog post.

Top 11 1st Birthday Worries

11. Mediocrity. What if it just isn't good enough? Who gets to judge? Is there a secret panel that investigates the quality of parties. If so, how do I get that gig?

10. So Silly (and not in the good way).What if people think I'm silly for having a first birthday party? The party industry certainly thinks it's a good idea, but what if people think I'm just trying to show off? What if it sets some bizarre precedent? Again, do I REALLY care what "people" think? Especially if these are the sort of people willing to be suckered into a kid's first birthday party?

9. Location, location, location! It's going to be cold in late January, and our little house and two barking dogs plus probably visiting relatives indicates some other option should be considered. Too little for Pukee Queso's, but too many kids to do a sit down restaurant... hmmm.

8. The Who's Who of Attendees. I hate to make someone feel obligated to attend or send a gift. I also hate for someone to feel they were intentionally excluded. I want everyone to come, but how much cake can we really afford to make?

7. Tell the World? Homemade paper invitations mailed out seems lovely. and pricey. and time consuming. Mass e-mail/facebook seems to impersonal and possibly greedy. Etiquette just ain't as simple as it used to be.

6. 'Tis Awkward to Receive. What's the best way to tell folks what to bring? Gifts aren't really neccesary, but I know folks like to give SOMETHING. Do we register? Make a "Wishlist?" Just tell folks his size (which is changing pretty much daily)? Is it a faux pax to tell people they can chip in towards a "big" gift like swim lessons?

5. Let Them Eat Cake! What if Jax breaks out in hives? What if we serve peanuts secretly hidden in the cupcakes? Who knows what might cause someone to fall ill? It will be a party to remember, for sure!

4. Apocalypse Then. I met a Mom when I was volunteering in New York in 2002 who had a support group for children who, like her son, had birthdays on 9/11. Many of them were dealing with a plethora of guilt and anger issues. What if something horrible happens that day and burns it into everyone's psyche as THAT day. Shoot I even if it's the day before, or the day of the party, that's pretty much bad news.

3. Thanks for Nothing. I seriously am pretty sure I still have people who have not yet received a "Thank You" card from my wedding or baby shower. I am tempted to avoid the whole thing just to make sure the situation doesn't get any worse. Oh, and if you're reading this "Thanks!"

2. Let Me Entertain You. How much entertainment should you plan? Background music seems like a good plan, and something for children to do, but I know folks who are so afraid of "games" that they avoid showers like the plague. (If you think the last statement smells fishy, I also know people who don't like to go to parties celebrating weddings and births...)

1. Thematics. I love a theme party. OK, I LOVE a theme party. Supper Club in high school? WIN! I mean, seriously, how could you not go the Hawaiian Luau as a marine biologist? How do I really decide? I think I've got it, but it's so hard to commit!

So, yo know you're dying to give your input. Tell me what you did. Tell me what you've seen done. I want to hear both sides: the sweet "just us" parties and the insane thousands of dollars puts-my-wedding-to-shame all out bashes.

* This split infinitive brought to you with lots of giggling on behalf of my sister, Aunt B.

Super Penguin

Some days I honestly believe parenthood has made me a super hero. (Of course, some days I honestly believe I'm going nuts... but that's another post). I am somehow able to do things I never thought possible. I wish this journey had started more simply, I wish I were writing this post about how things changed the day Jax was born. But it started long before that... again, another post. I wrote the most depressing Top 11 of my life but decided it wasn't healthy to share that just yet... so this is a bit more upbeat.

Since I'm snitching internet we'll cut straight to the chase. Here are my Top 11 Penguin Parent Superpowers.

11. Super Cleaning Saliva.
I can use my spit to clean anything off my son's face. I wasn't going to be THAT Mom, but I literally did it the week after he was born. I was walking down a hall and caught myself licking my thumb to get some gunk off his cheek. Gross.

10. Selective Amnesia.
I cannot find the keys, but I know the number to poison control and the quickest three routes to Childrens' Healthcare of Atlanta...

9. Incredible Strength.
An entire baby is no match for me and my baby carrier day or night, crying or cheerful, I can haul that little chunker pretty much anywhere. I may not always be able to. But I hope I'll always at least try to hold him when he needs is.

8. Radioactive Resistance.
I can clean puke, snot, or poop from any surface without gagging... and considering I couldn't do ANYTHING without puking, at least a little, just this time last year, that's pretty impressive.

7. Lyrical Genius.
I can rewrite lyrics to any given song so as to create an endless sleep inducing haze. I'm not promising they're brilliant, I'm just saying I'll run out of voice long before I run out of stupid made up verses.

6. Insane Insomnia.
I can *technically* function for weeks on end with less than five hours of sleep and less than two hours in any given stretch. I wouldn't recommend it. But I've done it.

5. Costume Diva.
Whipping up tiny size outfits and accessories is awesome. It takes way less fabric than stuff for grown ups, but the sleeves and hems are HUGE compared to the Barbies I used to dress.

4. Stroller Aficionado.
I know, you're thinking this one can't be true since I don't own one. I think that's part of the draw. People seriously spend thousands... yes thousands of dollars on these. I got so interested that I've done too much reading. We'll be at the mall and lean over to my husband "That's Japanese and cost somewhere between $700-$900... it's titanium!" Then I'll giggle and feel Jax snuggle up. Maybe I just need to do a test drive?

3. Spidey Senses.
Intuition is the most bizarre thing that's ever happened to me. I was trying so hard to find it, that sometimes, when it smacks me up side the head, it scares the goodness outta me. Seriously, how do I "just know" that my son needs to pee? Is it possible that I can just "sense" that my son's about to wake up and nurse even though he just did twenty minutes ago? I wouldn't believe it if it weren't happening to me.

2. Egotistical Editing.
I grew up in a family where bedtime reading... well, reading in general, were practically sacred. I can still hear the voice of my three year old sister indignantly hollering "Wead it Wight!" as she skimmed the words on the page ahead as my Mom tried to edit the story. I already catch myself making amusing commentary as if it were written. Trust me, the next time you reread the same board books a dozen times, see if some great twists don't pop into your mind!


1. Conned.
I am totally and willingly conned every day. I can be frustrated and elbow deep in vomit, but when that little fella smiles at me? I'm done. Sold. Hooked. I wish I could spare him the nasal aspirators, the upset tummies, and the bruised ego, but I'll settle for getting to be there for him whenever I can.

What are your super-powers? Written any great lyrics or edited some endings? Got a super power you wish you used more wisely?

Forced Fast - Fast Forward

Due to issues with our internet provider, I've been without internet for over 24 hours. Not a true fast. I've had access to Mr. Penguin's iPad for the purposes of writing last night's post, and now this one. It's been rather odd to go without. It's forced me to imagine ways in which my childhood was so very different than what Jax will experience. Here's my "Top 11" off the *top* of my head.

11. When he thinks of an address he will probably think URL then e-mail then GPS and maybe THEN about something that requires a stamp.

10. Encyclopedias will probably only be found in libraries... and no one will ever try to sell him one by knocking on his door.

9. He will be able to track his life through a variety of virtual scrapbooks that will be indexed and searchable.

8. Typing may be more important than handwriting; but, as things continue to change, his fine motor skills will be increasingly important.

7. In reverse of my lifetime trend, he'll see fewer and fewer wires.

6. He will be able to track himself and his consumption quickly and easily; from food to books to dollars.

5. The importance of good written communication will seem vitally important him from infancy. It is not a lesson anyone will have to try to sell by pointing out letters to the editor or well-written books. Anyone who wants to be taken seriously must be able to write, and, if not well, at least understandably.

4. He will probably think of Face.book accounts the way I think of my Juno e-mail account.

3. Searching and responding in a multitude of languages will probably be simple and instantaneous... but not as good as really knowing another language.

2. There will be a multitude of entertainment available to consume at his leisure. Imagine being able to watch any show ever made any where any time. He won't have to.

1. He will still prefer great big hugs and snuggles, even if he can interact with holographic images of far flung friends and relatives.

What changes do you foresee in the lifetime of this year's babies? What is dramatically different from your own childhood? Which are good? Which are not-so-good?

Granny Penguin's Library

In honor of our visit to the Granny's house, I thought I'd share her growing collection of books about grandmothers, grandmas, nanas, etc. Jax already enjoys hearing familiar stories, and the collection is fun because it offers something special to them and their relationship. Unfortunately she only has 10... and one that's not REALLY a kid book (So we'll squeeze it into a Top 11). I'm linking to Amazon again, just for informational purposes.

I'm writing this post so you can get to my favorites first. Lets just say that Granny has started collecting books and rather than a true "Top" 11, these would be the "Only" 11.

1. Piglet and Granny

by Margaret Wild

This is probably my favorite, and definitely Jax and Granny's favorite so far. The story is about a little pig waiting to spend time with his Granny. We get to hear all about the fun things Granny has taught him as a parade of farm animals help him wait. When we find out what has taken so long, it is a delightful surprise for them to enjoy together. I am sure I'll hear it a thousand times more in the years to come... and I'm looking forward to that.

2. Good Granny, Bad Granny

by Mary McHugh

This one's not really a children's book, but more of one from the humor section. Each page spread has a comparison of what "Good" Granny would to as opposed to "Bad" Granny. Some are funnier than others and, of course, the truth probably lies somewhere between any two extremes. Nice for a good laugh for a new grandmother.

3. My Granny's Purse

by P. H. Hanson

This is more of a board book with flip out goodies than a classic book. It is an imagined purse with all manner of fun things that you might (or might not) expect to find in a delightful purse. It brought back memories of time with my own Grandma; knowing there would be gum, and tiny paper and tiny scissors for paper dolls all within that magic bag.

4. WHAT! Cried Granny: An Almost Bedtime Story

by Kate Lum

This book just stinkin' hilarious. The idea is that a grandmother tries to get her grandson to go to sleep. He inevitably finds an excuse why he cannot which shocks the grandmother so much that she goes to hyperbolic lengths to fix it. I'm sure this is destined to be a favorite because it is just so much fun to repeat the title phrase with each scenario.

5. Our Granny

by Margaret Wild

The social worker in me just eats this book up. It is all about the diversity of grandmothers. It includes descriptions of all manner; from physical, to emotional, to where one might live. The pictures are a rollicking good time and made me giggle right out loud. I'm a big fan of celebrating what makes us unique and, goodness knows, grandmothers are some of the most unique among us.

6. Banjo Granny

by Sarah Martin Busse and Jacqueline Briggs Martin

This is the delightful tale of a Granny traveling with her Banjo to be with her grandson, Owen. It probably has not only my favorite paintings of those listed here, but also the best word pictures. How can you not love a "grandbaby, who goes wiggly, jiggly, all-around giggly and tip over tumble for bluegrass music?"

7. In Grandmother's Arms

by Jayne C. Shelton

This fanciful book is a reflection of reading with Grandmother's and is a summary of the Reading Rainbow song... you know "I can go anywhere, just take a look, it's in a book..." I like how it emphasizes the security and whimsy of reading together, even if it's not the most catchy or interesting of the books with similar themes.

8. My Granny Went to Market: A Roung-the-World Counting Rhyme

by Stella Blackstone and Christopher Corr

This book has child-like art and a fun rhyme of what a traveling Granny might bring back from around the world. This is a fun little read-aloud that I'm sure will be more fun as Jax gets a little older and more familiar with repetition. This would also be fun with a child old enough to use a map or globe to locate the various places the Granny visits. (It's the last of the books I'd actually recommend.)

9. A Day at Gramma's

by Marcia Cate Overstreet

This book has lovely illustrations but was so sappy sweet I was concerned about my upping my son's chances of diabetes. The little story is simple enough, but the prayers on each page in the paintings are a little over the top. Not really one for mass appeal, but a really nice thought none the less.

10. I'm Glad I'm Your Grandma

by Bill & Kathy Horlacher

This is a Christian based Early Reader "Level 1." Each page shows a different Grandma and Grandchild/ren and states times the Granmda is glad she's "your Grandma." It mostly makes me want to write a mean version stating times Grandma's aren't so glad: "When I'm selling my heirlooms to help you make bail..."

11. Granny's Fish Story

by Phyllis LaFarge

This is a cute mini-chapter book about a little girl staying over night with her Granny. The plot is simple and easy to follow, but not very exciting. If you're looking for a nondescript way to burn some time, this book is a good choice. There's probably a good reason the last reprint was 1977.

Do you have a favorite grandparent book? Have any special relationship books you love to share? Got thoughts on any of these books?

No Strangers to Penguins

They say that penguins in Antarctica are unafraid of humans because they have no natural land predators. You can just walk straight up and interact with them. I think sometimes people feel the same way about pregnant women and folks with babies. I know we all mean well, but it just cracks me up sometimes to think about it. Thus, without further ado, my Top 11 things total strangers say to "Preguinos" and those with a little chick along:

11. When are you due?
(I always wanted to say "They weren't completely sure, but it turns out, like most people in our culture, it was what we now celebrate as my birthday!")

10. It's a boy. I can tell.
(Seriously? You have vision that pierces my abdomen? You can sense my unborn chid's DNA? Or, like any good fortune teller, you're going with the 51% chance that puts statistics in your favor.)

9. It's a girl. I can tell.
(Ummmm you were wrong... or my child had some really sneaky surgery.)

8. You'll stop throwing up once... you hit 12 weeks/you really WANT to be pregnant/ you get to the third trimester/you buy those magic beans/you stop listening to strangers' advice.
(Turns out what works really well for me? Giving birth.)

7. You have put on so much weight!
(Thanks! That was a total of six pounds. SIX. 6. He weighed almost 8 when he was born. You do the math.)

6. He is so big for his age!
(Well, he's stayed pretty close to the 50th percentile for length and 25th for weight...)

5. He is so tiny for his age!
(See above, but, seriously, I frequently get both comments within minutes of each other. Perhaps I have a baby in a state of flux, but really, people just stink at eye-balling what's "normal.")

4. Is he yours?
(Nope, he's a loaner for my Home Ec. Class...)

3. He looks just like you!
(Again, within minutes of the previous comment, or, in ironic back peddling, from the SAME person. I know this is supposed to be a compliment, but I always think to myself what the reverse means: "Hey, you look a lot like nine month old little boy..." Thanks, I think?)

2. You're doing X wrong.
(This is my favorite. The out of the blue disapproval without correction. As in: "You shouldn't burp your baby like that!" No, "Hey, I see you have a lovely child, I just read this article..." or "I can tell you really care about your child, a better way to try that might be..." Or just "Mind your own stinkin' business unless I'm about to do something that places my child, or someone else in extreme danger!"

1. Touching.
(Not technically saying anything, just the blatant walk up and rub the belly/pat the child's head/surprise hug attack. All are quite welcome from friends, and sort of ok if the stranger asks... but it is seriously bizarre that folks do this. You can also immediately have a conversation with the "Toucher" about how scary "Strangers" are and how we can never never feel our children are safe. Oh the beauties of "Us" vs. "Them" logic. "Strangers" are dangerous people not involved in THIS situation. Or, possibly, the crazy person who just touched my child. Ummm, Mrs. Stranger? That would be you.

I love that life makes me laugh. I enjoy being an extrovert because it means I get to have more of these entertaining moments. Maybe I just look approachable? The great news is that I get to savor every moment of oddness without feeling too uncomfortable or weird. Just like plenty of early Antarctic explorers ate the penguins and the current penguins don't seem to care; I'll continue to be amused by the random acts and words of well-meaning strangers.

What's your favorite stranger moment? What things have you walked up to a complete stranger to say?

Not Guilty! Dealing with Mommy Guilt

When it comes to the issue of "Mommy Guilt" (or Daddy guilt.. or heck, just most random guilt in general...) I wish I could say that I was either

A. The mythological perfect mother who never has or does anything about which to feel guilty.
or
B. the equally mythological mother who always forgives herself. (I was going to put "mother who never feels guilt" and realized that pretty much would make her a psycho... hmmm)

In truth, I'm really good at feeling guilty. Over big stuff, over little stuff, over medium stuff, you name it, I can pretty much feel guilty about it. The trouble, I think, is not whether or not I feel guilty, but whether or not this guilt is productive. If guilt that I am not eating as well as I should while breast feeding compels me to make wiser choices, than it's probably not all bad. If, on the other hand, that same guilt drives me to a feeding frenzy of circus peanuts and soda, it's probably not so great.

Ironic though they may be, my "favorite" guilt trips (when I take a stop back) are those that are due to me finding some sort of middle ground. Really, these are areas where I'm probably doing things in a way that will make me most happy when looking back to reflect. Well, without further ado, because I love Top 11 lists so much, here are my current top 11 random Mommy Guilt Trips.

11. I'm not feeding my son all the recommended things to constitute a well balanced diet and expand his palate.

10. I'm trying to feed my son to wide a variety and quantity of foods and not focusing on letting him continue to respond to his body's natural ability by allowing him nurse and eat on cue/just until he is full.

9. I am not documenting and sharing my son's life as well as I could be with the far flung people who care about us.

8. I'm putting so much of his life online that he'll never be able to choose to go "Off the Grid" even if he wants to.

9. I don't even own a TV, tune out of most of the news, and don't subscribe to a newspaper, so my son may just have to be culturally illiterate.

8. How much screen time does a household with an iPhone, iPad, iMac, and MacBook get? Too much.

7. My son is going to get some horrible disease from French Kissing our dogs.

6. my son is not learning to interact in appropriate ways with the pets because they are forbidden to play together.

5. Dragging my son on "play dates" mostly for myself where I get my extrovert on and he has to be strapped into the ::in my best movie trailer voice:: Cursed Car Seat of Dooooooom! in a lonely back seat on the way there and back is just mean.

4. I am not getting my son enough opportunities to experience a multitude of adult and child interactions and learn appropriate behavior through hands-on situations.

3. I am trying to do too much "educational" stuff with my son rather than helping him enjoy life through open ended play.

2. I'm missing a critical opportunity for interaction when I just put him in the Jumperoo for 20 minutes so I can get online.

1. I worry to much. I worry too little. I try to do too much. I don't do enough...

Luckily, on of the best things my own amazing mother taught me to say (besides pronouncing abcadefkeejeckylmenoxerstuwitzes and Doshis Allee Expeditious Fragi Cali Rufus) is the all important phrase "I forgive me." See, turns out I'm really good at seeing past other people's mistakes and forgiving them, but forgiving me? Now that's where I have the issue. So, my take-away? Forgive and forget, remembering that over-all I'm doing a pretty ok job. What I can't let go, I'll let motivate me in positive ways.

About what things do you feel random guilt? How do you use your powers of guilt for good rather than evil? (Sorry, had a super-hero moment.)

Top 11 Things I Didn't Know I Didn't Know: Pregnancy and Infancy

There are some things you don't know because you don't want to know, and some you don't know because you don't ask, and some you don't know because you don't know to ask. Today's post is the last group. Stuff about which I'd never thought enough, to know I didn't know about pregnancy, and having an infant.

11. Your belly button might not pop out. Even if you really really want it to. Seriously, only 80% or so of ladies have this happen. No one told me it might not, until way into the pregnancy and by then it was this lovely thing I'd been promising my puking self. I was SERIOUSLY disappointed. Stretch marks? Of course. Cute pop-when-the-turkey's-done belly button? Nope.

10. People will be shocked and horrified if you don't want to know the sex. Now, you can't really tell from this costume either, yes I had friends who looked REALLY closely. All during pregnancy I had complete strangers say things like "That's just selfish! How will you shop? How can you be prepared?" I think I'd have to go with "The same way everyone in the history of the world did it before the last forty years or so." Besides, should it really matter whether an infant has indoor or outdoor plumbing? I like Garfunkel and Oates' take on it, personally:

9. There are options between bronzing and/or eating the placenta and pretending it doesn't exist by having it disposed of as medical waste. Not that I judge any of the above options, or think it really matters if you bury it under a special tree or grind it into pill form to treat post partem depression (seriously, you should check out the research on that... pretty cool!) In our case, I got to see it, poke at it, save it in some tupperware and donate it to a search and rescue group. It turns out human tissue is a tricky thing to get and one placenta can train a rescue dog for almost a year. Here's the group: ATSAR.

8. When a baby loses the umbilical cord stump, they might actually LOSE it. Seriously, one diaper change it was there, the next it was gone. My grandmother suggested we check his pockets; "Little boys are always sticking strange things in those." No such luck. I was gonna be a big nerd and save it for the scrap book. FAIL.

7. Your siblings will have super strong reactions to your child. OK, it sounds silly, but I was expecting my husband to react with immediate and strong attachment, I saw it coming in my parents, but witnessing my baby brother trash talk my newborn while in complete worshipful adoration was a transormative experience. This amazing photograph was taken by professional photographer Anne Almasy, who attended Jax' birth and wrote about it. She and her very talented husband make up the infamous team "Dan & Anne" and are also Jax' Godparents.

6. Sleeping "through the night" is defined as a six hour stretch. Not that Jax has been interested in a stretch that long since he was a couple months old, but really, six hours is technically the mystical number about which everyone is so excited. Many older babies can, and do sleep for this and even longer stretches, like 12 hours. However, I would be remiss if I didn't warn you to be concerned if a very young infant is going this long without eating. We're talking tiny tummies that need frequent feedings. FYI, it's also perfectly normal to have a child who wakes up for comfort or to nurse well into the first year.

5. Newborns poop pretty much every time they eat; tiny, seedy, poops. I had never known this happened. I'd worked with older babies, but this was pretty bizarre to me. FYI, because we're on the topic, breast milk poop does not have a "pleasant" odor. Sure, it smells less than formula poo, and way better than a variety of poo from solids, but anyone who tells you any poo has a pleasant odor is just silly, or nasally challenged. (And remember that to smell something, you have to breath in tiny bits of it... mmmmmm poop).

4. Somewhere around 8 weeks babies go from pooing after pretty much every feeding, to not pooing for long stretches. Like, a week, or in the case of Jax, 10 days. The tiny little digestive track slowly but surely improves and suddenly absorbs pretty much everything. No one lets moms in on this little secret, which can lead to a pretty serious freak out. Just sayin' I wish I'd had the heads up.

3. Just like wedding dresses and maternity clothing, baby clothes sizing is just a silly and random number placed in the lining to confuse new moms. Gerber generally runs small, Carter's seems shorter and wider, Children's Place seems made for children who morph randomly from big to small and back. At the rate children spurt through sizes it shouldn't really matter, but it's sad to never really know what will fit until you try it on. Jax currently can wear several 3 month size shirts... but anything with footies has to be 12-18 months... go figure, and good luck!

2. If you're going to do something every day/every month, etc. make it as simple as possible. Sounds dumb, but as someone who has tracked every feeding and diaper for going on ten months, has stayed up super late the night before a monthly birthday for a photo shoot on an assembled mat with corresponding block props, and still feels REALLY guilty about three days of his life that lack a single picture, I'm telling you to just let it go, and Keep It Simple Slacker (Slacker, 'cause now no matter what you'll feel like you shoulda lived up to my awesomeness)

1. Pregnancy Brain and Mommy Brain are myths. Yep, turns out that despite consistent self-reports, pregnant moms and new moms actually score the same, or BETTER than control groups on a variety of measures. Forgot to recommend it in my reading post, but for a full on fascinating explanation, check out:

The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter
by Katherine Ellison

What other things do you wish someone had told you? What totally caught you off guard? What did you think was going to happen, but didn't?

Rookery Reading: 11 Parenting Books Better Than "What to Expect"

I love to read. I want my son to love to read. Not just stories and fiction: I'm an infoholic... I can't get enough information on anything. So, besides the topics I've covered thus far, on of the things other expectant or new moms ask is if I can recommend any good books. Short answer: Yes! Long answer: I've read probably close to a hundred-a hundred and fifty books on pregnancy and parenting outside of my Master's degree in Social Work with Children and Families. Most of them are helpful, but not that exciting or different from the rest. (I will resist the urge to rant against "What to Expect When You're Expecting." My one note is that it tends to scare the crap out of expectant Mom's and isn't all that accurate.)

This is just my short list, I'm sure there will be another whole post on the topic at some point, but, for now, here are a few recommended reads linked to amazon dot com. (I don't get a commission or anything, and I tend to be a library junkie to feed my infoholic needs, but giving the link at least gets you to a page with the ISBN and what not).

If you're looking for something informative and/or pregnancy related that will make you laugh... which is secretly WAY more important than discussing changes in hair follicles, I recommend checking out:

Belly Laughs
by Jenny McCarthy

I love this one because it's got super short chapters so you feel like you're getting somewhere, and it stays really light hearted. I don't agree with everything she does/says, but it's a nice, informative, read.

Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay: And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom
by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

This just had me laughing outloud and reading whole portions to complete strangers. By far the funniest short honest look at becoming a mom I read the whole time I was pregnant.

If you're still in need of a giggle, along with some quite practical type tips, my husband and I really enjoyed:

The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Parenting
by Joshua Piven, David Borgenict, and Sarah Jordan

If you're looking for one of the best books on natural child birth, I send folks to check out:

Husband-Coached Childbirth: The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth
by Robert A. Bradley, Marjie Hathaway, Jay Hathaway, and James Hathaway

(Of course, you should probably know that I was Bradley baby, my parents were Bradley instructors, and this was the method we used with Jax...) Disclaimer aside, it is a good basic look at the philosophies behind low/no intervention birth.

When thinking about parenting philosophy, I felt like it was important to find out what research had to say, and make sure I wasn't just assuming my cultural norms were best because, well, I saw them as norms.

Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent
by Meredith F. Small

Looks at humans and how we best function. It delves into some great research on things like breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I love that it looks at both research and anthropology. But, if you're really into anthropology, I cannot reccomend enough:

A World of Babies: Imagined Childcare Guides for Seven Societies
by Judy S. DeLoache and Alma Gottlieb

This book was an absolute delight. Written by a psychologist and an anthropologist who wrote "Dr. Spock" like guides from the perspective of other cultures. Very insightful things that make you reconsider why we do what we do. For example, if you lived in an African tribe you might feel the need to give your child daily enemas... it's the right and healthy thing to do! Really good for opening one's mind and rethinking one's Western ways without feeling judged.

After checking out the research on co-sleeping I was really intrigued, but still quite fearful, this book looks at not only the benefits of sleep sharing, but how it effects children and families in the long term:

Good Nights
by Maria Goodavage and Dr. Jay Gordon

And, because my greatest fear as a new parent was SIDS, I would be remiss if I did not share with you the book that helped me calm WAY down by feeling like there were things I could do to at least lower my risk:

SIDS
by William Sears, M.D.

Although I admit I did not actually read it cover to cover, the best and most comprehensive resource on breastfeeding has just been updated in a new edition:

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
by La Leche League International

Although I try to avoid bringing up religion, or at least getting preachy, I had several friends who asked if I could recommend something with a Christian perspective:

The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care: A Medical and Moral Guide to Raising Happy Healthy Children
by William Sears and Martha Sears

And, last but not least, just when you think you've got things about figured out, a book to shake your assumptions to your core, but leave you much better informed:

Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children
by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Is there another topic for which you wish you had a good book reccomendation? Got other great books you always recommend to new parents? Post them in the comments below!

Note to Self: You're NOT a Bad Mom!

Dear Self,

If you were counseling yourself, you'd point out a few logical fallacies. You would tell yourself to relax, to stop worrying so much, and to think about things with a little perspective. Go ahead and do that...

Remember listening to Ayelet Waldman's Bad Mother? She made some pretty good points! I think it's time to make a top 11 list of things you can let go... like back when you wrote for the humor page in college. Heck, everyone should probably do it at regular intervals!

11. The world's landfills will not overflow if you have to use the occasional disposable diaper because you forgot to keep track, and Jax just soiled the last cloth one before you could wash the rest of the fluff.

10. Jax will not have horribly debilitating physical deformities if he spends 20 minutes instead of the suggested "15 or less" joyfully playing in his Jumperoo.

9. It will not stunt Jax' emotional growth if you can't figure out what's making him cry and just have to hold and comfort him while he whimpers.

8. No one who matters will judge you if, sometimes, you don't feel like nursing and do so resentfully because you feel like a cow and hate sharing your body at this moment.

7. Cancer, disease, and genetic mutations will not instantly attack or overtake your body, or Jax' if you use the really-good-smelling Baby Magic lotion instead of some better-for-your-skin organic lanolin.

6. You have two dogs and a baby. At some point, they are going to lick each other without your knowledge. This will not kill anyone involved.

5. Feeling angry and frustrated and exhausted by nights when Jax wakes up every two hours because he needs you is ok. You still manage to love, cuddle, and feed him.

4. Needing a break from the baby for several hours is a legitimate and reasonable thing. The umbilical cord stopped beating before it was cut... I'm pretty sure it's not still functionally attached.

3. No one but you freaks out if a daily picture of Jax is not taken and instantly tagged and uploaded to be shared on Facebook.

2. Your son will not be doomed to illiteracy if you forget, and don't read to him on any given day.

1. In general, you are not Super Mom, you are a Mom who does her best and loves her son. That will be good enough for Jax and it should be good enough for you!