Dreaded Decorating Doofiness

I am a big fan of expressing individuality, I mean, I haven't worn matching socks in well over a decade, I have shaved my head squeeky clean bald, and I rocked Flamboyant Fridays in college... however, my dislike of Christmas has lead to a tertiary concern with bizarre decorating trends and themes. Don't take offense, don't take it personally, I'm glad folks groove to the season, but still, some of these seem, well, Doofy. (And, no, I'm not getting an Amazon kick-back, but I'm linking in case you're feeling cheeky and decide to purchase something).

Top 11 Doofy Decorations

11. Big Blow-Ups
This is my husband's pet peeve. They are loud and generally tacky. My least favorite would be the 6 foot snow globe with actual carasol inside. If you're going to that much work to decorate, can we seriously think of some better outlet? Only $329.99. (Side note: I'll be installing my mom's tomorrow. It's giant penguins with doctor accessories. It's super duper tacky... and I love it.)

10. Bottoms of Tree Toppers
I cannot possibly be the first person to feel weird about cramming pine needles up the dress of an angel. Is no one else confused by the symbolism of sticking the pointy tops of trees up the bums of a variety of toppers? I'm sure someone in the marketing division of stars should get on that. It's probably more creepy than doofy, but today, we're doing doofy.

9. OrnaMENTAL
I think it's nice when decorations and ornaments can reflect your personality. Here's a tip: TV is not your personality. Seriously, this is marketing on a whole new level. Not pictures of your kids, or even pictures of yourself singing, or, for Pete's sake, pictures of you watching the show. Just three judges watching someone else. To recap, that's a memory of you watching TV of people watching someone else. Doofy. (If you should choose, you can purchase the above ornament for $13.50 from Amazon.)

8. Icicle Lights
If you plug it in and it lights up? Not ice. Not even close. Sure, they are pretty and twinkley and give you more shimmer per square foot, but icicles they are not. 'Nuf said.


7. Faux Popcorn
Seriously? Fake strands of popcorn? If I hadn't helped a preschool teacher return sewing machine needles prior to attempting to thread garlands of the salty stuff, I'd find this UNBELIEVABLE. I guess it doesn't go bad? Why?! 9 feet of fake buttery goodness can be yours for $6.99.

6. Random Acts of Weirdness
Again, individuality is awesome, but I'm often confused by this. What does that giant wooden Barney have to do with the holidays. How about the giant elephant? If you're looking for more examples, I'd suggest UglyChristmasLights.com for further amusement.
5. Anachronistic Nativities
Maybe it's my love of open ended play being crushed by single use bizzaro-ness. Maybe it's the whole cave vs. stable argument. Maybe it's the part that angels don't sing... Let your kids play with whatever you choose, but if you're going to decorate? Maybe this is not the least doofy choice. (Having had personal experience with this set, the sounds when the batteries wear down are well worth the $44.99).

4. Highlighting Horribleness
If your home has a less than perfect feature... or a REALLY bad code-violating type issue. Trimming in lights is a poor choice. I can't think why folks would do this. Check it out this year whilest driving around. You will be amazed by the lovely hanging gutters, rotting porch railings, and other architectural sadness which is now enhanced by having small electrical devices stapled
to them.


3. Inappropriate Santas
Believe me, you can find the creepy old elf doing just about anything. I guess it's amusing, but why would you decorate to celebrate a holiday with this? Why? If you know, well, for $6.95 it can be yours.

2. Multicultural Atrocities.
Let me start this rant by pointing out that my family is fond of appropriating a wide variety of holidays. I'm all for sharing in a lovely tradition, I just feel like the forced overt PC-ness is a bit much. Celebrate your holidays, make them personal, but don't feel like you have to mention and mix them all lest you offend someone. Seriously, the Kwanzaa dreidel feels a little forced guys, especially if it's not pictured next to my Festivus Pole.

1. Terrible Trees
Can someone tell me why this product exists? It's a Whimsical Yellow Laser Artificial Christmas Tree... ARTIFICIAL?!? You mean it's not a REAL whimsical yellow Christmas tree? You can get similar ones in a variety of flavors/colors/painful horribly doofy styles. If you'd like this one, it can be yours for $8.05, that's right, this 30" beauty is on sale!

Got a favorite pet-peeve decoration? Know a place for specialty doofy products? Wanna share YOUR horror stories? That's why blogs have comments!

Creepy Christmas Carols

I'm not a big fan of Christmas... I know, I know, Bah Humbug! Anyhows, the part I do like is family and tradition. In that vein, I was helping decorate the tree at my mom's house today with my sister. We put on some "holiday" music, and soon we were giggling gleefully at the horrible irony of so many of the lyrics. In honor of the weirdness that is Christmas music, here are my Top 11 Creepy Christmas Carols.

11. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Pretty self explanatory, I mean, seriously? A song about family whose drunken matriarch is trampled by a beloved myth... yep, automatically included.

10. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
OK, here's my issue. I know we're going for cute, but this is either Daddy dressing up knowing he'll be seen by the child, in which case the make-out break is a little creepy; or, the dress up is solely for the benefit of Mommy, in which case, that's a little weird kinky if you ask me. Or, I suppose, it's a song about how the beloved jolly fellow is in fact an adulterous fiend and Mommy is a hussy. Creepy.

9. I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
My theory here is that this a song about an awesome heist. I mean, it smacks of Ocean 26 type planning. Christmas day... the only day when the guards are on lower alert... yeah, it's not a Christmas song, it's a song about thievery. Maybe more amusing than creepy, but amusing none the less.

8. Twelve Days of Christmas
It may have been said before, but this is just a bizarre dance of materialistic insanity. (No, it's not a memory aid.) It's just a creepy idea of what someone wants for Christmas, or at least, what they got from their insane "true love." I think this is one creepy display of capitalistic affection.

7. Some Children See Him Lily White
The song is pretty much randomly racist. I guess it's supposed to be how we all see God in a different way, but I can't help but think it's just a way of legitimising misconceptions and stereotypes. I'm just sayin' I'm pretty sure he was an Arabic looking Jewish fellow. Just sayin'.

6. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
This choice amuses me based solely on the ability of the lyrics to effectively summarize many creepy holiday themes: dangerous pyromaniac tendencies romanticized, scary mythological entities harassing innocent victims, simplistic ethnocentrism, and the theme that everyone should know and approve of these ideas. Ahhh creepy.

5. Little Drummer Boy
The whole thing is just an unsupervised child apparently busking for a living, not sure why he's headed to visit the baby, but it seems no one is interested in caring for him. Sure, it's a nice sentiment that he wants to bring the gift of music, but is anyone gonna help out the young street musician? No. No they're not.

4. Mary Did You Know
Let me just cut to the chase. Yes, she did. I'm pretty sure we're clear on the whole angelic messenger explaining it. Plus, having recently been a new mother, the last thing I'd like is generations of folks harassing me to see if I'd done my home work on parenting. It's not like there's any pressure for her, raising God incarnate. Oh, and you think God was going to pick someone who didn't get it? Really?

3. Frosty the Snowman
Mythical anthropomorphic characters are the hallmark of creepy holiday songs. I think this fellow embodies the whole idea to a tee. Sure, sounds nice to have an enchanted friend, but the next time a giant snow demon bangs on your door after chasing your children around, let me know how lovely you find the sentiment.

2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Stalker. Voyeur. Sees you when you're sleeping. Knows when you're awake... Suppression of feelings: Better not pout, better not cry... really? This is supposed to be a happy song? It just scares the goodness outta me.

1. Baby It's Cold Outside
This was the most disturbing song of the afternoon. It pretty much reeks of a very uncomfortable intimate power/control situation. The lady says repeatedly she'd like to leave. She says "no" more than once. He tries to give her more alcohol and take away her coat. He uses verbal coercion to let her know that her reputation is already ruined. Seriously creepy.

Sorry if I've ruined a little part of your holidays. Got another creepy hit that amuses you? Let me know in the comments.